| Curly and Pam, a Lava Lamp and a God |
| By Sam Singleton Atheist Evangelist |
At the onset, the god spontaneously generated itself and the universe from
nothing, and established physical laws that would apply to all but itself. In less
than a week, it made matter and established physical laws that would apply to all
but itself. In less than a week, it made matter and energy and light and established
processes for distributing them in space and time. (My story begins on the seventh
day, the god’s day off.)
On the newly formed Earth, the god built the Natural Environment Data
Engine, a biosphere, or wholly self-sustained and enclosed ecosystem, in the Al
Jazirah wilderness of northwestern Iraq. Having stocked its sphere with all manner
of flora and fauna, the god fashioned a male human, Curly, from dust. Curly,
with no understanding of how he got there, awoke in NEDE.
For Curly’s edification, video monitors had been installed in great profusion
throughout the sphere. All were tuned to the “Weather Channel.” A single big
screen video display—set apart from the others—was conspicuously dark; the only
nonworking monitor in NEDE. Sitting atop the big screen was a Lava Lamp, a
cleverly disguised supercomputer. Not only was the Lava Lamp programmed for
interaction with human speech, its entire processing capacity was dedicated to
enticing whomever happened to be its vicinity to press a large red ON/OFF
button similar to those used in experiments involving language instruction and
apes. The god said to Curly, “You can take in as much of the rest of this stuff as
you want, but if you turn on the big screen I’ll kill you.”
The god thought, Old Curly’s spending too much time by himself. I think I’ll arrange
for some companionship. “You need a project,” it said. “I’m putting you in charge of
naming all these plants and animals.”
Curly went about his duties like a man possessed. By the time he’d finished, he
was ready for a nap. While Curly rested in the arms of Morpheus, the god
extracted cells from one of his ribs. With a few deft gestures involving Xs and Ys
and something like genetic algebra, he cloned a Bride of Curly. She appeared in
NEDE in the same state of happy confoundedness as had her mate. Curly liked
her right off. He said, “I am he as you are he and you are me and we are all
together.”
They were naked and didn’t see a damn thing wrong it. Accompanied by the
euphony of unmolested nature—and the Weather Channel—the two shared an
Edenic existence there within the bounty of the sphere. Life in NEDE was
pleasant if uneventful. Curly spent his time tending the garden. Pam was often
seen in the vicinity of the big screen.
One day the Lava Lamp said to Pam, “This big screen here is the very last word
in entertainment. Satellite? Cable? It’s got every damn channel on the whole damn
planet: sports, soaps, sex, news, movies, old sitcoms. It’s got free HBO.”
Pam rebuffed the lamp: “What the god said was, ‘You all can watch any of the
little TVs any old time. But’—and it seemed like it was real serious about this—
‘you watch the big screen and I’ll kill you.’”
The Lava Lamp said, “Bear shit. The god just wants to keep you down.
Information is power. Power to the people. Right on, Sister.”
Pam studied the dormant big screen, looked at the big red button, and said, “I
want my Oprah.” She slammed the big red button. And the big screen, with a
single wink, came to life. “Curly! Come over here and look at this.”
No sooner did Curly direct his attention to the tube than a public service
announcement preempted regular programming: “YOU ARE ASS NAKED!”
Curly and Pam were profoundly embarrassed and grabbed some leaves to cover
themselves. Unbeknownst to them, the whole scenario was, of course, a set-up.
The god chose that exact moment to assume human form and go walking near the
big screen. “Oh Curly,” it called, feigning ignorance, “where is my man?”
Curly yelled from behind a shrub, “I was feeling a might underdressed and figured
I’d keep a low profile.”
The god said, “Who told you you were naked? You haven’t been at the big
screen have you?”
Curly said, “It was Pam turned it on. I just watched.”
The god asked Pam if she had any idea what she’d done.
Pam said, “It was the Lava Lamp. I was just standing there. The Lava Lamp got
over on me.”
The god, playing the scene for maximum effect, castigated the Lava Lamp:
“Because you have done this, successive generations will curse their electrical
appliances. Women shall have pain in childbirth like the passing of a stone and
shall jones for the wild thing so badly that they will put up with all manner of
shit.”
And to Curly he said, “Since you listened to Pam here, and fortook of
unauthorized viewing, you may now consider yourself as being in the center of a
vast TV-free zone. From now on, any gardening you do will be more along the
lines of share cropping. You always were dirt and you’ll always be dirt.”
Curly wanted to call Pam something, but all he could manage was to say her
name, which to him was as good as the vilest swear word.
The god gave Curly and Pam some clothes and said to itself, “Looky there. They
watch the big screen and all of a sudden think they’re a couple Ph.D.s in English
or something.”
The experiment—or at least the first phase of the experiment—was complete.
The god said to Curly and Pam, “You’re fired. And evicted.”
Pam and Curly were mere actors who didn’t ask to be in NEDE and could not
reasonably be expected to express gratitude for their existence, imprisonment, or
exile. Their circumstance were not of their making. They were slaves driven from
the plantation without being given their freedom.
nothing, and established physical laws that would apply to all but itself. In less
than a week, it made matter and established physical laws that would apply to all
but itself. In less than a week, it made matter and energy and light and established
processes for distributing them in space and time. (My story begins on the seventh
day, the god’s day off.)
On the newly formed Earth, the god built the Natural Environment Data
Engine, a biosphere, or wholly self-sustained and enclosed ecosystem, in the Al
Jazirah wilderness of northwestern Iraq. Having stocked its sphere with all manner
of flora and fauna, the god fashioned a male human, Curly, from dust. Curly,
with no understanding of how he got there, awoke in NEDE.
For Curly’s edification, video monitors had been installed in great profusion
throughout the sphere. All were tuned to the “Weather Channel.” A single big
screen video display—set apart from the others—was conspicuously dark; the only
nonworking monitor in NEDE. Sitting atop the big screen was a Lava Lamp, a
cleverly disguised supercomputer. Not only was the Lava Lamp programmed for
interaction with human speech, its entire processing capacity was dedicated to
enticing whomever happened to be its vicinity to press a large red ON/OFF
button similar to those used in experiments involving language instruction and
apes. The god said to Curly, “You can take in as much of the rest of this stuff as
you want, but if you turn on the big screen I’ll kill you.”
The god thought, Old Curly’s spending too much time by himself. I think I’ll arrange
for some companionship. “You need a project,” it said. “I’m putting you in charge of
naming all these plants and animals.”
Curly went about his duties like a man possessed. By the time he’d finished, he
was ready for a nap. While Curly rested in the arms of Morpheus, the god
extracted cells from one of his ribs. With a few deft gestures involving Xs and Ys
and something like genetic algebra, he cloned a Bride of Curly. She appeared in
NEDE in the same state of happy confoundedness as had her mate. Curly liked
her right off. He said, “I am he as you are he and you are me and we are all
together.”
They were naked and didn’t see a damn thing wrong it. Accompanied by the
euphony of unmolested nature—and the Weather Channel—the two shared an
Edenic existence there within the bounty of the sphere. Life in NEDE was
pleasant if uneventful. Curly spent his time tending the garden. Pam was often
seen in the vicinity of the big screen.
One day the Lava Lamp said to Pam, “This big screen here is the very last word
in entertainment. Satellite? Cable? It’s got every damn channel on the whole damn
planet: sports, soaps, sex, news, movies, old sitcoms. It’s got free HBO.”
Pam rebuffed the lamp: “What the god said was, ‘You all can watch any of the
little TVs any old time. But’—and it seemed like it was real serious about this—
‘you watch the big screen and I’ll kill you.’”
The Lava Lamp said, “Bear shit. The god just wants to keep you down.
Information is power. Power to the people. Right on, Sister.”
Pam studied the dormant big screen, looked at the big red button, and said, “I
want my Oprah.” She slammed the big red button. And the big screen, with a
single wink, came to life. “Curly! Come over here and look at this.”
No sooner did Curly direct his attention to the tube than a public service
announcement preempted regular programming: “YOU ARE ASS NAKED!”
Curly and Pam were profoundly embarrassed and grabbed some leaves to cover
themselves. Unbeknownst to them, the whole scenario was, of course, a set-up.
The god chose that exact moment to assume human form and go walking near the
big screen. “Oh Curly,” it called, feigning ignorance, “where is my man?”
Curly yelled from behind a shrub, “I was feeling a might underdressed and figured
I’d keep a low profile.”
The god said, “Who told you you were naked? You haven’t been at the big
screen have you?”
Curly said, “It was Pam turned it on. I just watched.”
The god asked Pam if she had any idea what she’d done.
Pam said, “It was the Lava Lamp. I was just standing there. The Lava Lamp got
over on me.”
The god, playing the scene for maximum effect, castigated the Lava Lamp:
“Because you have done this, successive generations will curse their electrical
appliances. Women shall have pain in childbirth like the passing of a stone and
shall jones for the wild thing so badly that they will put up with all manner of
shit.”
And to Curly he said, “Since you listened to Pam here, and fortook of
unauthorized viewing, you may now consider yourself as being in the center of a
vast TV-free zone. From now on, any gardening you do will be more along the
lines of share cropping. You always were dirt and you’ll always be dirt.”
Curly wanted to call Pam something, but all he could manage was to say her
name, which to him was as good as the vilest swear word.
The god gave Curly and Pam some clothes and said to itself, “Looky there. They
watch the big screen and all of a sudden think they’re a couple Ph.D.s in English
or something.”
The experiment—or at least the first phase of the experiment—was complete.
The god said to Curly and Pam, “You’re fired. And evicted.”
Pam and Curly were mere actors who didn’t ask to be in NEDE and could not
reasonably be expected to express gratitude for their existence, imprisonment, or
exile. Their circumstance were not of their making. They were slaves driven from
the plantation without being given their freedom.