So this one time he’s wandering around out on the edge of Succoth just after dark when this total stranger comes up on him and wants to rassle. So they grapple with one another all night long till Jacob makes the crazy man say uncle-in-law. And the crazy man turns out to be God in the form of an angel and offers to start
referring to Jacob as Israel if he’ll let go of his leg. And the famous twelve tribes come from Israel’s, or Jacob’s, sons, who the fellas in first-hour gym all agreed were the fucking evil geniuses of all time. And they meant that in a good way. Here’s the story: Israel’s one daughter, Dinah, gets defiled by Prince Shachem of
Succoth who, subsequent to the defilement, desireth to make Dinah his wife. Spoiled little shit that he is, Shachem goes whining to his daddy Hamor. So the old man takes the boy to see Israel and offers up a reciprocal deal whereby everybody is free to marry everybody’s sisters. And Shachem offers Israel and the boys
any dowry they can name. Yes, I know that the groom providing the dowry seems all ass backward, but this is the Old Testament.
So Dinah’s brothers say, You can keep your dowry, and we’ll forget all about you doing Dinah that way, but you gotta show us your penises. We could not possibly let our sister marry anybody with a foreskin, or anybody that hangs out with anybody with a foreskin.
We’ll tell you what. You and the rest of the guys in Succoth all get yourselves circumcised, then we’ll let you marry anybody you damn please. Dinah, too.
Well, Shachem and Hamor are only too happy to convene the First Annual (and as it turns out, the last annual) City of Succoth Penis Pare-a-thon wherein every penis in town is rendered asunder. They were thinking, how bad can it be? But they failed to allow for inflammation. And in those days the rendering was wrought
with a sharp stone. That’s scriptural, which I’ll get back to here in a minute. And if you think it smarts when they first chunk your penis with that rock, just wait about three days. Long enough for the swelling to involve the entire groinal region. And as the Succothites are laying around nursing their deflicted dicks, the sons of
Israel are just biding their time. The bible says when it came to pass on the third day, when they, that’s the Succothites, were sore, that two of Dinah’s brethren, took each man his sword and came upon the city boldly and slew all the males. And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took
Dinah out of Shechem’s house and went out.
The sons of Israel came upon Succoth boldly! That’s right. Waited 72 hours then came upon them boldly! Whose ass you kicking now, motherfuckers? And after they slew all the Succothites, they cleaned out the whole town and took all the women for themselves. Would’ve made their great-granddad Abraham proud.
Unlike so many bible stories this one has a moral. Know who you’re fucking with.
In spite of, or because of Abraham’s selfless example, and the inspired deviousness of his great-grandsons, circumcision catches on. By the time Moses gets plucked from the bulrushes a half-dozen or so generations later, it was goddamn de rigueur. And when Moses grows up and gets married and the lord commands
him to return to Egypt to tell Pharaoh to let my people go, well, just listen. And see can you follow verses 24 through 26 of the fourth chapter of Exodus: And it came to pass, by the way, in the inn, that the lord met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah (that’s Mrs. Moses) took a sharp stone, a sharp stone, and cut off the
foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he let him go. Then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.
See? Bible-d-gook. Anybody who still maintains that the King James Version of the bible is a divine example of top-notch prose, ought to have to write a book report explaining what the hell’s going on in Exodus Four. No sooner does the lord give Moses a job to do than he tries to kill him without a word of explanation. And
although the lord is the best there’s ever been at killing folks, Moses survives. And as for the circumcision, I myself never could tell whether we’re dealing with incest or spousal battery.
Either way, say what you will about the supposed hygienic benefits of circumcision, this isn’t the fucking Stone Age. Since then we’ve learned about this infection control thing they got going.
Of course, Moses isn’t famous just for his wife bobbing their baby’s bishop, if that’s who she did it to. Moses did some other stuff too. Just nothing of much note. Penis wise.
The Philistines were uncut. They were fighting the Hebrews over Gaza close to 12 hundred years before Jesus, back when Ramesses III was about to have a fit trying to fill his daddy’s sandals in Egypt. Like the Egyptians, the Philistines were technologically way out in front. They had a navy. They were the only ones who
could smelt iron. That’s why the book of First Samuel goes on and on about Goliath’s armor. The Hebrews may have been stuck in the Stone Age because they were always having to pacify God instead of doing something useful. But they could still whip anybody with a foreskin, iron plating or no.
The Hebrews are saying to each other, if this god whose name we’re not supposed to mention would quit fucking with us for five minutes we could build pyramids. Pyramids? God hated the Egyptians. But he also hated the Persians, the Syrians, and the Babylonians. Most of all he hated the Philistines. Goddamn Philistines.
Not only did they get into it with the bible’s protagonists, the aforementioned Hebrews, but they took to hanging shit on God, talking about what a bunch of no-foreskin-having monotheists he and his military were, saying some pretty awful things about their heritage. You know right off that some heathen blood is fixing to be
spilt. And you never saw a spree the likes of when David and his boys tore into the Philistines.
You ever hear how David got himself betrothed to his first wife? David slays Goliath, right? So even though he’s a commoner, he gets in tight with King Saul, who promises to let him marry his oldest girl. Saul says, Bring me the foreskins— You knew that foreskins would have to enter into it at some point. That’s what gives
a tale like this its biblical sweep. The foreskins of one hundred Philistines. Saul, who’s a double-dealing sack of shit, is banking on the Philistines laying some slaying on David. But God rigs the fight in David’s favor. He hates Philistines in rough proportion to how much he loves foreskins. He loves them so much that he’s
just naturally supportive of any activity in which they figure. So God helps David bring Saul not one hundred of the little morsels, but two hundred. Well yeah.
We can assume that David and his crew slew the Philistines before performing the procedures, but who knows? Maybe they just forced them to stand real still with their tunics heisted up for as long as it took. They must’ve left the rest of the genitals intact, since it says nothing about lobbing off anybody’s penis or nuts,
which is not the kind of detail the bible would omit. The only reasonable conclusion is that the Davite infantry slew the two hundred Philistines, then stayed around and individually altered their peckers. All 200 of ‘em. Holy goddamn! Seems like we’ve been at this for a week! And I thought peeling potatoes was bad.
And they did not offer the Philistines a chance to convert, either. If they had, and were called upon to get into according-to-hoyle, ceremonial circumcisions, they’d’ve had to have done the sacred sucking of the penises. That alone would’ve taken all day and half the night. And you know Philistines and blow jobs. They’re
gonna invite the Hebrews to stay over.
King Saul’s shenanigans get him on God’s short shit list and he ends up killing himself. And guess who becomes king?
For Christians David is important because he’s at the heart of the shaggy dog story that kicks off the New Testament. You suffer through this endless litany of begats between David and Joseph before you realize that if Mary was a virgin and Jesus was sired by the Holy Ghost, Joseph’s ancestry had nothing to do with
anything. He was just some guy with a donkey. He was not Jesus’s biological father. If you tested Jesus’s DNA for heredity from David, the results would be negative. They were not kin. And if anybody in Jesus’s family was in line for the throne of Judah, like the messiah was supposed to be, it was Jesus’s little half-brother
James, otherwise known as the beaver. Everybody knew who his daddy was.
Jesus, being part of the godhead and all, must have been right there with his pa and the Holy Ghost when the order came down from himself about the circumcision. You gotta wonder if he said anything to the other godhead units. You know, let this cup pass from the third of us that’s me? I tell you what, it’s the kind a thing a
boy’s likely to hold against the old man. But you can’t argue— All the time that elapsed between Isaac and Jesus? Several centuries? That’s how long it took for God and the Holy Ghost to pry the son’s grip loose. You can still see the claw marks on the pearly gates.
This was the run-up to the first Christmas. And I refuse to talk about Christmas. Except that, as the Gospel According to Luke says, And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called Jesus, which was so named of the angel before he was conceived in the womb. Doesn’t say
which angel. I’m thinking the Angel of the Highly Unlikely. Or the Angel of You Better Think Up Something to Tell Your Daddy.
What if the guy’s knife had slipped and wrecked the little savior’s schlong? Oh never mind. I wasn’t planning on using it anyway. And now eight different catholic churches in Europe claim to have Jesus’s foreskin.
Now, about that conceived in the womb part. You heard correctly. Listen to that and tell me that God does not need to see somebody. This old boy can’t even think of a penis without wanting to take a knife to it, and is so terrified of a vagina that he has to rely on artificial insemination to get his son conceived. Come to think of
it, that means every egg implantation and every in-vitro fertilization is an immaculate conception. We’re raising up a generation of blessed redeemers.
It was fifty years after Jesus died that the Apostle Paul invented Christianity and evangelism and ordained himself bringer of the good news to the Greeks and the Romans. Other than that, everybody probably would’ve forgotten about Jesus. The gentiles were all walking around with intact penises. All these guys get to
middle age, but as soon as any of them got saved it was, hats off, fellas! Break out the blades, men, and let’s get at them ding dongs. That was until Paul repealed God’s ruling about circumcision. Timothy, always a good sport, got himself cut as a grown man. Now that takes a properly committed Christian. Titus let Paul
circumcise him. And we won’t even go into all the time they spent washing each other’s feet. There’re guys in San Francisco pay good money for that.
If the world was any less crazy, this shit wouldn’t have caught on and couldn’t have spread. But it did, all over hell and back again. So now the followers of the patriarchs are Legion for they are many. As I said in the beginning, world-wide, the Abrahamically unaffiliated constitute a minority. If anybody’s oppressing the godly,
it ain’t us. On the goddamn contrary.
Looks like my time’s up. Next week’s lesson is entitled Messiahs and Major Muscle Groups. So be sure and study your quarterlies. This has a been a time of blessed fellowship for me. And I hope you’ve found it edifying.
One more thing. Whatever you believe or do not believe, you are more than the sum of those things. Somewhere down the line folks took to confusing what they believe with who they are. And that’s why I can’t even talk about this shit without those I love turning against me. Why I have to worry about somebody calling down
a holy war on my ass. The godly have got enough to do not killing each other. Don’t need to be fucking with Brother Sam.
If I was the kind of evangelist that believed in sin, the one I’d preach against would be willful ignorance, because that’s the most dangerous and destructive thing I can think of. Individually or as a group, a really huge-ass group, say, three point four billion, lying, saying what you know ain’t so, especially to yourself, is one of
those things, you give it its head and it’ll flat run away with you. Swallow the first lie and the rest go down easy.
If you can honestly say, I believe that I have a destiny and its in the almighty hands of the god of Abraham, or the planets, or a blue elephant, I want you to get up out of your seat. I want you to come forward. And bring all the cash you got on you. And just put it right here in this offering basket. Cause you definitely ought’n to be
in charge of your own finances. And Brother Sam’ll just look after it for you till you come to your senses. Or until the rapture.
Everybody else? Get out there and raise hell and put a chunk under it. And that’s the Gospel According to Brother Sam. Goddamn.
Participatory parody of a holy roller "Sunday morning" service
Each performance is unique.
60 to 90 Minutes
|Holy rollers with some funny ideas about
right and wrong, a moonshiner, and one
angry nine-year-old preacher
The original Sam Singleton Atheist Evangelist show is still a
crowd favorite after five years. From a quick deconstruction of
the Bible’s main story-line, to a reminiscence of childhood terrors
among “tongues-speaking, snake-handling holy rollers from the
Ozarks,” to a merciless dissection of the role of God in civic life,
Patriarchs and Penises is fascinating, horrifying, hilarious, and
unlike anything before.
|From when they were childhood best friends (and worst enemies)
Brother Sam and his cousin Palmer have followed widely disparate
paths, Sam becoming an atheist evangelist, Palmer remaining faithful to
their holy roller upbringing. Palmer is the only member of the Singleton
family who has stuck by Sam, who is clearly exasperated that anybody so
smart and decent can be so misguided. Palmer feels exactly the same
way. Their conversations, as recounted by Sam, are a fun-house-mirror
view of relations between atheists and believers in America.
Revival is a satiric enactment of an old time
revival meeting like Brother Sam went to as a
boy. It has singing, testimonies, a sermon, all
the things you’d expect, except godliness.
And the audience takes part throughout.
75 to 90 minutes
Listen to a clip